¡Nadie espera a la Inquisición Española!
читать дальше * "Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
* "I once put instant coffee in the microwave. I almost went back in time."
* "I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. Couldn't park anywhere near the place."
* "I wonder what Jesus ever did for Santa on his birthday."
* "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house, and four people died."
* "I'm living on a one-way dead-end street. I don't know how I ever got there."
* "Whenever I fill out an application and it says 'In case of an emergency notify...,' I put Doctor. What the hell is my mother gonna do?"
* "I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for $28."
* "I've been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious."
* "I went into this restaurant that serves you breakfast at any time, so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."
* "I wish my first word was 'quote', so when I die I could say 'un-quote'."
* "I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it."
* "If it's a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, someone's making a penny."
* "I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
* "I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
* "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."
* "Next week I'm gonna have an MRI to find out whether or not I have claustrophobia."
* "They say you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone. So I got rid of everything to see what I had."
* "When I woke up, everything in my apartment had been stolen...and replaced with exact replicas. I asked my roommate what happened and he said 'Do I know you?' "
* "Do you think when they asked George Washington for his ID, he'd just pull out a quarter?"
* "I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
* "My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted."
* "24-hour banking? I haven't got time for that."
* "I'm not afraid of heights; I'm afraid of widths."
* "I went to a store that had a sign that said "Open 24 Hours" and it was closed...I asked the manager 'Why are you closing? It says you're open 24 hours.' He said 'Not in a row.'"
* "So I'm driving along, being real careful 'cos its an old car and I installed my own airbags. I got an old bean bag chair, some laughing gas, and a compressor, so if I hit the accident just right I'll be floating up in the air laughing hysterically."
* "So I said to the hitchhiker 'what do you do?' He said 'I'm a student'. I said 'a student of what?' He said he was studying journalism and photography, so I said 'that's funny, I'm actually writing a short story about a photographer who went completely insane trying to take a close up photo of the horizon.'"
* "You know when someone reads a letter in the movies and you always hear what's written in the voice of the person who wrote the letter? Yeah, that kills me. In fact I get the same thing with menus."
* "I was driving along when I saw a hitchhiker holding a sign that said 'heaven', so I hit him. He probably went there. He seemed like a nice guy."
* "I'd like to do my imitation of bowling." (Drags the microphone across the stage floor, then whips it upwards.) "Gutter. It took me a year and a half to write that. I didn't know how to word it."
* "This next song doesn't go 'something' like this; it goes 'exactly' like this."
* "My uncle once told me when I was five, 'When I was your age, I was six.'"
* "Last night I was in a restaurant called Bulimia's. The line for the bathroom was incredible."
* "I was driving along a road and saw a gas station with two signs on top of one another. "Help Wanted", "Self Service". So I hired myself. Made myself the boss. Took all the money and left"
* "I was laying in bed with my girlfriend when she turned to me and said, 'If you could know exactly how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Forget it then.'"
* "I told my girlfriend I was going to go for a run. She said, 'How long you gonna be gone?' I said, 'The whole time.'"
* "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included — so I had to buy them again."
* "I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house."
* "I used to be a narrator for bad mimes."
* "I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear it."
* "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
* "My teacher asked me what kind of animal I wanted to be, I said a bird. She asked why so I could fly I said no so my shit would be white."
* "I once put instant coffee in the microwave. I almost went back in time."
* "I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. Couldn't park anywhere near the place."
* "I wonder what Jesus ever did for Santa on his birthday."
* "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house, and four people died."
* "I'm living on a one-way dead-end street. I don't know how I ever got there."
* "Whenever I fill out an application and it says 'In case of an emergency notify...,' I put Doctor. What the hell is my mother gonna do?"
* "I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for $28."
* "I've been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious."
* "I went into this restaurant that serves you breakfast at any time, so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."
* "I wish my first word was 'quote', so when I die I could say 'un-quote'."
* "I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it."
* "If it's a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, someone's making a penny."
* "I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
* "I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
* "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."
* "Next week I'm gonna have an MRI to find out whether or not I have claustrophobia."
* "They say you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone. So I got rid of everything to see what I had."
* "When I woke up, everything in my apartment had been stolen...and replaced with exact replicas. I asked my roommate what happened and he said 'Do I know you?' "
* "Do you think when they asked George Washington for his ID, he'd just pull out a quarter?"
* "I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
* "My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted."
* "24-hour banking? I haven't got time for that."
* "I'm not afraid of heights; I'm afraid of widths."
* "I went to a store that had a sign that said "Open 24 Hours" and it was closed...I asked the manager 'Why are you closing? It says you're open 24 hours.' He said 'Not in a row.'"
* "So I'm driving along, being real careful 'cos its an old car and I installed my own airbags. I got an old bean bag chair, some laughing gas, and a compressor, so if I hit the accident just right I'll be floating up in the air laughing hysterically."
* "So I said to the hitchhiker 'what do you do?' He said 'I'm a student'. I said 'a student of what?' He said he was studying journalism and photography, so I said 'that's funny, I'm actually writing a short story about a photographer who went completely insane trying to take a close up photo of the horizon.'"
* "You know when someone reads a letter in the movies and you always hear what's written in the voice of the person who wrote the letter? Yeah, that kills me. In fact I get the same thing with menus."
* "I was driving along when I saw a hitchhiker holding a sign that said 'heaven', so I hit him. He probably went there. He seemed like a nice guy."
* "I'd like to do my imitation of bowling." (Drags the microphone across the stage floor, then whips it upwards.) "Gutter. It took me a year and a half to write that. I didn't know how to word it."
* "This next song doesn't go 'something' like this; it goes 'exactly' like this."
* "My uncle once told me when I was five, 'When I was your age, I was six.'"
* "Last night I was in a restaurant called Bulimia's. The line for the bathroom was incredible."
* "I was driving along a road and saw a gas station with two signs on top of one another. "Help Wanted", "Self Service". So I hired myself. Made myself the boss. Took all the money and left"
* "I was laying in bed with my girlfriend when she turned to me and said, 'If you could know exactly how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Forget it then.'"
* "I told my girlfriend I was going to go for a run. She said, 'How long you gonna be gone?' I said, 'The whole time.'"
* "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included — so I had to buy them again."
* "I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house."
* "I used to be a narrator for bad mimes."
* "I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear it."
* "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
* "My teacher asked me what kind of animal I wanted to be, I said a bird. She asked why so I could fly I said no so my shit would be white."